Before my oldest son was born, I had a miscarriage at twelve weeks gestation. It was a messy, terrifying experience; and for years after it was over, I struggled with fear that the loss had been my fault.
I was afraid that I had traveled too much in the first trimester, or that I had been too stressed about the ministry we were trying to begin. Maybe the electricity from the waterbed my husband and I were sleeping on had caused the baby to die somehow, or maybe I shouldn’t have lifted the flower pots by the front step.
The one thing I knew for sure was that I had been too casual about motherhood. Our pregnancy was unexpected, and my emotions hadn’t had time to catch up. I was supposed to have nine months to adjust to the idea of a baby; I didn’t know life and death could change places overnight.
When I woke up from the D&C, I was groggy. I remember asking the nurse two things: first, if they could tell the child’s gender, and second, if I could somehow bury my child. She told me “no” to the first, and to the second, that the hospital had already “taken care of” the baby’s remains. It was a quiet, empty ride home.
Community was not much comfort. The same Christians who would have been horrified if I had aborted a child smoothed over the loss with platitudes: “You can have an other one,” or, “God doesn’t make mistakes!” or “Sometimes these things happen.” They were trying to help, but I felt a lot of pressure to be okay, even though I wasn’t.
To Him who presses curiosities four-to-a-row
across the dimpled backs of infant hands;
To Him who has made the dust of the hay barn
settle in drowsy glory through a slant line of sun;
Who has birthed three naked, new mice,
just pink, bare thumbs, sucking out blind thirst
in a mother’s tossings and tendings of the grasses of the earth;
Who has swelled the heavy teats of the cow?
Who has made them drip milk in drops,
sweet, white puffs and sighs on the dry brown barn floor?
Who has wetted her brown, round, empathetic eyes?
Who has given her a tail to smack against her meat?
To Him who has made the cool March wind
snap the curtains to applause;
Who hovers (might He even cluck or coo?),
wing thrown round about His beloved,
heady as the hot underside of a hen;
Who opens up the earth like a lap,
belly out, leaned back, arms thrown wide,
feet planted in a father’s welcome,
To Him who permits the storm-torn hickory to cross upon itself,
savage as thrown ink lines,
To Him who grants the turkey vulture a bare red face,
so that she might reach between ribs of the dead
and pick meat off their bones;
the rusted eye of Jupiter, blasting?
(Like a woman in her fury? I cannot tell.)
Even so, glory be.
Nor can I tell if He ordains
or simply allows hail to bruise
the soft bodies of tree frogs;
or why he does not stop the wild dog
from laughing (by my judgment) overloud.
Glory be to Him
who shaped the teeth of the wolf
in their sockets
‘ere any shepherd shaped his staff;
To Him who planted a fruit-bearing tree then spoke,
“You shall not eat,
for in the day that you eat of it you shall surely die.”
To Him Who has been from the beginning other,
Who cannot be etherized,
Who grants to life gravity and resistance,
Who is untamed by those who would harness Him,
Who spins the moon round,
round and round again,
from dissonance to resolve
until she flushes white and clean,
shining like Moses fresh down from the mountain;
Western Kentucky is riddled with underground coal mines. When I was five or six, somebody told me that there was a big one dug right under the Dorris’s farm place, and I never could let that go. If I was sprawled out on the rug of Mammaw’s living room, I wouldn’t move around too hard, afraid I might shake us all loose into the underworld where men like my grandfather rode by iron gear into tunnels that made their lungs and fingernails black.
It took us eight hours to drive to Providence from Marysville, Ohio. This was 1977, back when you could throw a foam mattress in the bed of a Ford pickup and let your kids bang around with boxes of puzzles and a stack of books while you made miles. After the sun would go down, I’d lean my head up against the the back of the cab and stare out through the green, concave windows of the LEER truck topper, watching the earth grow wild.
The yellow fields turned silver at night, and natural gas pumps cranked like old men digging holes. Those pumps smelled sour, and if I fell asleep somewhere along the way, I knew we were close because of them, even before I opened my eyes.
[Editor's note: Rebecca Reynolds is a gifted writer, and is no stranger around here. She's written a couple of guest posts, is a two-time Hutchmoot speaker, and was Ron Block's collaborative partner on last year's "Walking Song." But for all that, today marks her first post as an official Rabbit Room contributor. Welcome, Rebecca. I'm glad you're here.]
Over the next few weeks, I’ll be working through two Greek tragedies with my students. The first is Oedipus Rex, a devastating story about a man who unknowingly murders his own father before accidentally marrying his mother. The second tragedy is Antigone, which describes the pathetic death of a daughter conceived in the incestuous marriage of Oedipus.
[Editor's note: On Friday we released a new song by Ron Block, Jeff Taylor, and Rebecca Reynolds (also featuring Julie Lee). Rebecca, the co-writer of the song, also wrote this companion piece. It's well worth your time.]
I wish I could tell you that I never have any doubts about God, but trust seems to run strongest in the very young and the very old in faith, and I am neither. When I say that I doubt, I don’t mean that I doubt everything. For instance, I rarely doubt that God exists. Walking in the decay of a December wood, reading through a journal of this year’s medical discoveries, listening to a Bach aria, scrolling through Hubble updates, I can tell that God lives.
The stuff of earth doesn’t provide a complete theology. In fact, it often leaves me with as many questions as answers, because the Almighty will not be pinned to a card like a giant stag beetle. However, the beauties and wonders of the universe do tend to point me toward a Creator. They whisper that He lives within and beyond the dimensions in which my brain operates.
What I doubt most often is that God loves me, and usually that doubt rises from pain. It can be hard for me to understand why Someone with the power to stop hurt wouldn’t do it.
I remember what it was like to want a baby.
I remember how it felt to walk through the grocery store
watching others dispose so recklessly
of everything I ached to be.
I remember mothers
(or so-called mothers)
snapping off ugly words
to curly-haired toddlers.
I remember mothers
(or so-called mothers)
sighing in exasperation,
ignoring bundles of angel on earth,
telling them to hush.
I remember seeing from a distance
the wonder of ten little curved fingers,
wrapped sweetly around a shopping cart handle.
I remember small voices saying,
and wondering what unforgivable thing
I had done
to become unworthy of that name.
It has been sixteen years,
but I will never forget Mother’s Day empty-armed,
trying to smile politely,
running to the church bathroom,
weeping the long, hard, labor of grief
behind a locked door.
Because of this, I define motherhood
a little differently than most.
I define motherhood
as the womb of creativity
and breasts of recreativity
Motherhood is an idea fluttering and kicking,
compassion fluttering and kicking,
social healing held upright on wobble knees until it walks,
wounds of the heart and body dressed and bandaged.
Motherhood is entrance into dark rooms
where fright cries out from sleep,
and motherhood is chasing away the monsters.
Motherhood is the renaming of the rejected,
it is the embrace of the lonely,
it is a Saturday picnic packed for the hungry,
it is the rocking of the forgotten
in the lap of an old, sweet song.
Motherhood is the soft, feminine hand of love
on the cheek of the world’s need.
For children are born and tended
in a million different sorts of ways.
The earth cries out,
and here you are to answer.
You are maternity,
and you are beautiful.
I peeled the sticker off my lunch pear, then ran it under the faucet, frustrated. It wasn’t a real piece of fruit. It was only a shadow of those knotty old fragrant pears Mom gathers every summer from Mrs. Janson’s hundred-year-old tree.
I shook it dry, scratched the skin with my thumbnail, and inhaled. The smell was faintly sweet, but a supermarket pear can’t fill a room with perfume. I could expect a watery crunch, not that honey-dripping mess of food you’ve just pulled out of the sun.
Later that night I prepared our beef for dinner. I had to cut away a sheet of plastic wrap before I could even touch it. I never saw the animal of origin. I didn’t know its farmer or its butcher. I didn’t know the state (or even the country) in which that life or its taking took place. Meat nowadays is stripped of all meaning. It has become an ingredient.
Anyone who has removed the head from a chicken will understand the difference between taking in a tray of meat and taking away a life. I remember being eight or nine and holding the body of a hen still as I could while Mom swung the axe. It was too much for me. At the last second I looked away and fell on my rear end in the Kentucky dust, overcome by the nerve force of death. The hen’s opened neck flung blood on my shirt, and I was too shocked to catch the body to stop it flopping.
According to C.S. Lewis, a scholar faces three enemies during a time of war. As I was reading through those tonight, I realized they are also the three enemies most of us face in the “war” of our day-to-day lives. I’ve selected a few quotes for your perusal. If you want to read the rest, check out his essay “Learning in War-Time” collected in The Weight of Glory.
The first enemy is excitement–the tendency to think and feel about the war when we had intended to think about our work. The best defence is a recognition that in this, as in everything else, the war has not really raised up a new enemy but only aggravated an old one. There are always plenty of rivals to our work. We are always falling in love or quarrelling, looking for jobs or fearing to lose them, getting ill and recovering, following public affairs. If we let ourselves, we shall always be waiting for some distraction or other to end before we can really get down to our work. The only people who achieve much are those who want knowledge so badly that they seek it while the conditions are still unfavourable. Favourable conditions never come.
[Rebecca Reynolds (aka "Becca") has quickly become one of my favorite writers. Her creativity has greatly affected my own in the past few months as we've been writing songs together. This post from her blog is typical of her depth of seeing and style --Ron Block]
Four months ago, the hillsides tumbled green upon green. Valleys and rises were determined by a narrow spectrum of shadows and brights. More or less, the landscape was monotone, summer lazy, and supple. Confident maple leaves hung in all their twenty-something vigor, familiar with hearty rain and heated winds, thinking they knew what there was to know.
I remembered being that age, so I didn’t laugh. Instead, I was tender, because October visits us all.
[Rebecca (aka BuckBuck the Nordic Wonderduck) originally posted this essay on her Facebook page. I thought it was pretty great and she was gracious enough to allow us to repost it here at the Rabbit Room. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.
I don’t remember ever pretending to be a [...]