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P90X-Mass, or The Weight of Arms

My eldest –though, not-elderly- son recently stomped through the house singing “…with the angelic host proclaim, Christ is born, in battle home.” He likes weapons, so I guess he has militarized the Holidays. He warns us all, with gentle pleas and political rallies, to keep the longbow in Christmas. We’re making bumper stickers and getting mad at people who try to take it out.


Speaking of holidays, like I was just doing, after the New Year everyone is trying to get “in shape” (which is really misleading, because everyone is in shape form). I aim for the form of a broom-stick, and my 32 year-long bouts with an unfriendly stomach have helped me maintain my stickish figure.

But for those with normally-functioning stomachs there is the possibility of swelling beyond desired bounds. According to Twitter and Facebook research, 106.3% of my friends are engaged in an activity called “P90X.”

As a pretend investigative journalist, I decided to get to the fat bottom of this “P90X” phenomenon without asking anyone anything about it and without using the internet search engines for accurate help. Pretend I’m in China.

P90X. What is it?

At first I believed this to be a science-fiction movie wherein a cyborg, the “P90X,” has gotten out of control. And believe me, a cyborg out of control can seriously cut down on the body weight. There is usually a lot of running, often loss of limbs. How much do arms weigh? Or…

Could this be a new cult wherein personhood is minimized? Everyone is given an alphanumeric designation (the same one?) and a collectivist attitude is cultivated. “P90X, welcome to the Unit. Please sit over there by…P90X.” This might lead to depression, which causes weight loss. Or…

A lot of weight is in fluid, which is why if you don’t drink anything you will not weigh much (and also die). Often older folks have to get up in the night and “P 90 X.” This reduces fat, but it can cause curmudgeonry.

I think we can conclude that the P90X is a hoax. Both end in “x” and then there’s Roswell, the moon-landing, inside jobs, birth-certificates and all that.


Will we ever know what P90X really is? Will the comments section erupt in a torrent of irritating statements like: “I love P90X, it works for me!” Will the legendary brick and mortar Rabbit Room have an exercise room?

Some things are meant to be known and understood, like predestination. Others, like the so-called P90X, are best left to the wild wanderings of the wandering wild wanderingness of man.

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