Nashville, TN (AP Wire) Eight Nashville-based singer-songwriters, collectively named The Square Peg Alliance, recently uncovered the rare fossilized bones of a Cretaceous vodka-swilling winged super-raptor during a two-day run of concerts in the American midwest. Casualties were reported.
Andrew Osenga, evidently springing to his nine-toed feet in a spontaneous sprint to the bathroom, accidentally tripped over one of his own guitar cables during a St. Louis, MO concert featuring himself and the other seven ego-centric artists. According to Andrew Peterson, a svelte, maelstrom of a man by most accounts, Osenga’s antics resulted in a large and terrifying hole in the church stage. Artists Randall Goodgame and Jeremy Casella, seated nearby at the time of the incident, immediately fell through the hole into earthen depths beyond the furthest reaches of light and hope. Neither have been heard from since. SPA President Andy Gullahorn, speaking through tears, issued this statement mere minutes after the melee: “I am and always will be a fan of vodka. And super-raptors.”
Upon further inspection of the riddled breach, Jill Phillips, the lone SPA female, sliced her shoulder on one of the uncovered fossilized talons while reaching and wailing down into the depths for her alleged friends. Jill survived the ordeal, thanks in part to the quick thinking of Christian songwriter and master gardener Eric Peters, who used the paper cheat sheets containing his lyrics to stanch Phillips’ bleeding. A hero to some, still a violent bore to others, said Peters, “I’ve been meaning to wean myself from the cheat sheets for years now, anyway.”
St. Louis police officer, Reggie Pride, was the first to respond to the scene of the incident. His closer investigation revealed what appear to be the perfectly intact wing bones and skeletal remains of one of history’s most lethargic creatures ever to roam the pre-homosapien earth. Though it possessed wings and razor sharp teeth, Majora Rubyopterix supposedly rarely left its home, opting instead to remain idle in its typically low to the ground nest so as to avoid any exertion of energy. It survived by catching and eating bugs or smaller herbivores passing in front of its nest. Pianist Ben Shive, a hobbyist in paleontology, attested to the raptor’s affinity for apathy and distilled, fermented potatoes. “Those particular raptors had it made,” stated Shive.
Osenga, simultaneously a hero to the paleontology world and a villain to the church whose sanctuary is now a federal excavation site, remains obstinate about the incident and subsequent historic discovery: “I didn’t ask to discover anything except for maybe new, heretofore undiscovered musical notes. I just wanna play my Gretsch and rock out. Is that so wrong?”
Federal, state and local authorities, in conjunction with songwriter’s guilds, are posing their own separate investigations and audits of the event. Meanwhile, reports have it that the various Square Peg Alliance artists’ CD sales and concert bookings have more than tripled in the aftermath. Purchase Eric Peters’s garden music now before it is sold out.